I keep having nightmares about terrible things and I smell like curry even though I ate it two fricking days ago and I haven’t had any since. I love curry but it’s kind of tragic that my sweat smells like it and yet I cannot eat it.
I’ve been writing the word “why” all over my notebooks for school for the past week. 40% of the page in the AP Biology notes has been pointless doodles and the word “why”, none of which have a single thing to do with mitosis or ligands. It has been tedious torture. I hate myself. I hate school. People suck. They are obnoxious. Depression is so fun I don’t know why everybody doesn’t do it. Yesterday, I had a bunch of songs stuck in my head, pretty much all of them sad (a lot from The Wall) and I kept feeling compelled to just run home and watch Alfred Hitchcock and/or Studio Ghibli movies all day long. I can’t work on my novel. I have to study for midterms and the SAT, I have to finish my junior writing portfolio, my driving test is in a month and a half, I need to work on my college app preparations like actually writing my resumé, and I’ve been sitting around watching youtube and reading House of Leaves. I AM NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE AND IT IS MY OWN FAULT. I feel like sleeping but I can’t sleep and I keep having nightmares, and I feel like crying but sometimes my eyeballs are just dry, and I feel like writing but I can’t write anything but shit right now. I am restless and dissatisfied and I hate myself and I hate every second of this.