I imagine there comes a time in everyone’s life where they go home after a long day, play a YouTube video of Lady Gaga covering 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up”, and cry all over the place–all totally unexpectedly.
Maybe it’s been just life lately, but I’m kind of stressed out, I find it difficult not to be furious with myself, and I feel as though I’m being attention-seeking and ungrateful to boot.
I’m a selfish young wastrel and I want to get it out there. I’m not making this anyone else’s problem. Nobody has to read this. It’s not anyone’s obligation to formulate an opinion on me or even expose themselves to any of my inner monologue (though often it feels like a dialogue with all the internal argument). I just would like some release. I won’t go into any amount of detail, I just want a way to vent. As is to be expected, anything I do is for myself, particularly here. I’m not known, I don’t have an audience, it’s just open journaling.
I frequently feel very pathetic, disappointed in myself, exhausted, and angry. I feel as though I am isolating myself, I feel that I’m blowing things out of proportion. I feel as though I’ve no right to be upset or consider myself as experiencing any sort of problem when so many people have real, legitimate problems. Any time I complain, I’m wasting someone’s time and energies. I have no right to expect respect for my feelings, I should not express myself at all because that burdens others or just ruins things further.
Despite these things and more, I would never want to be anyone else and I would not wish anyone into how I am feeling, though I’m sure some people would trade places with me instantly to escape whatever actual suffering they’re enduring.