I’m feeling melancholy, but that’s irrelevant.
I wish sometimes that it wasn’t necessary to do all the facial expression stuff that in which other people partake.
It’s exhausting to put up pretenses that I am not disgusted and bored by the humanity around me. It is exhausting to show interest in others and their ideas with whom I thoroughly disagree. Talking and looking and all this attention and being aware of some of the amount of nightmarish things in the world, and on top of it all I must look people in the eye and smile.
In debate class we were doing a parliamentary simulation of Nigeria, where we were proposing bills and some statistics were boring and irrelevant, and others were awful. The world is becoming grossly overpopulated and we are not trying hard enough to fix the problems. And in America anyone who isn’t poor tends to live in excessive comfort. It’s awful.
And I think about this all the time and still I have to be courteous and engaged and all this in-depth interaction is thoroughly confusing and difficult.
I need a mask that I can wear so I can keep my real expression neutral.
I don’t intend to build a wall. There are some people worth caring about, and there are some people worth loving. And I, even as an introvert, need conversation and someone who will listen to me.
But if I could release a little bit of that daily tension, if I could have time to think without false faces, I think I could be just a little bit happier. I’ll accept betrayals and frustration, because everyone deals with that and I shouldn’t be shielded just because “I don’t like it”. But if I could just relax a little . . .