How to Get Places and Avoid People

Step one: lose all hope in humanity.

If you give people an opportunity to redeem themselves, you haven’t gone far enough.

Step two: don’t act aggressive.

People are frightened of aggressive people and will try to communicate with you to make you stop.

Step three: be impatient and take advantage of opportunities.

If you can’t succeed, then you’ll get stuck dealing with people. Try to get by them without any inhibition or a single glance their way. It allows you to both continually be aloof and far from others. For example: someone has opened a door, and have decided to be considerate and but a doorstop against it so people don’t have to continually open it. Walk through as they do this so you don’t have to wait or touch the door yourself. Other people have touched that door. Inferior people.

Step four: walk as quickly as possible through the hallways.

Don’t compete, that’s stupid and involves potential interaction. And glare as hard as you can if someone touches you–even if it’s just their backpack. It’s their fault. It’s always their fault. Stupid cattle.

Step five: stop trying to make friends.

Did you hear me? NO FRIENDS!! They are a reasonless lapse in your day, unless you’re a true sociopath and are using them to your own advantage. In that case, I applaud you for your beautifully manipulative nature.

This is how one can start to become a machiavellian. You’ll discover the remainder of the steps on your own, once you’ve become an isolated, bitter adult thanks to your behavior as a teenager, as you haven’t learned a single lesson and you just remained irritable and egocentric even once you passed eighteen.

Congratulations.

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