Doubts

When you can’t see what’s inside of you, it’s easy to deny it, forget it’s there.

You’ll find yourself ignoring its presence, then believing it doesn’t exist. I know I’m an introvert–I have some of the stereotypical characteristics, like not liking obnoxious people, or parties, or crowds, or the immense effort of making friends–but I sometimes think that it really isn’t that true. Until I go to a large group event, or even throw a party for a few people. I get exhausted both emotionally and mentally, find it impossible to focus, feel guilty, want to go to sleep and be alone, and a whole bunch of unpleasant things. Luckily, because it’s summer, I don’t require as much break time as I would if it were the school year. If I still needed to deal with navigating the hallways and enduring the lunchroom roar, then my hiatus from people for recovery would be much longer.

It’s hard to keep track of your mind. It’s nearly impossible to accurately quantify, sometimes you’ll think that you’ve been wrong about yourself and your personality, and sometimes you’ll overanalyze and think that you have everything from OCD and ADHD to epilepsy and the beginnings of schizophrenia (that does not actually happen to me but I know that people often examine themselves to the point of paranoia).

Brains are some of the most complex things humanity has ever encountered. Who’s surprised that we can’t really understand them, or make them behave consistently?

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