Cluttered Mind

My mind feels like it’s always running. It’s always talking, remembering, regretting, chanting meaningless phrases, bringing up songs and dialogue, counting rapidly, getting caught in loops that send me into headaches and frustration for a good number of minutes.

It’s nigh impossible for me to meditate, and I have to fidget. I’ve often been called “tense”, “stiff”, and synonyms for “awkward”. On top of all of that, I have to deal with sensory input as well, and of course filter that all out. Sometimes I get a feeling–not exactly a craving, more a yearning–for sensations, like cool skin, or holding something rough and well-textured in my hands or wrapped in my arms.

Being active hasn’t helped much. While I love running and swimming, they only quiet down some of the clamor, and I’ll often exit “the zone” to think about some horrible issue or to chant one of my meaningless mantras of awkwardly-stitched phrases.

I like imagining I am immersed in water, listening to near-white noise sounds like rain, and combining it with variable sounds like underwater rumblings or waves. One of my best escapes is sound. Most of my other methods are difficult to have time for and I don’t always get the desired distraction, like painting a mural on my walls, or fiddling with toys or clay, or (occasionally) writing, or going for a walk. While walking does calm me somewhat, I still find myself overthinking things, getting nervous, and fidgeting again. Listening to sounds tends to be the best way of getting away from it all, though if it’s too repetitive I’ll start getting edgy.

Brains are tiring. Sleep isn’t always a perfect escape, especially for insomniacs like me. It’s good to have at least one sort of outlet when you really need it.

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