The Illuminati

Today, I created a plan for world domination.

It is fueled by synthetic diamonds made from human corpses and it begins with paying off the U.S. national debt and funding the mafia, and it ends with intergalactic travel and time manipulation.

Creating the synthetic diamonds would also involve sucking carbon from the atmosphere–and somehow we would magically avoid causing inflation. After amassing enough wealth–a few million dollars–we would begin to invest in other enterprises–Tesla, Apple, China’s factories–et cetera. Then we would pay of U.S. national debt–with a little help from overpopulation and diseases in certain countries–in order to become national heroes.

We would advance science and create human cloning, and funnel billions of dollars into NASA in order to colonize Mars and other galaxies. We would buy particle accelerators, make it so that protons could be added to elements to create gold or more carbon. We would make the parts of Australia that are barren desert habitable, and we would, for some reason, make vacation homes in Japan and South Korea. Because at this point, we would need more carbon, we would create light-speed ships (thanks, NASA!) and colonize bacteria on other planets, then collect dark matter to the area, watch time go faster there, and then obliterate the planet’s organisms in order to gain more carbon. We would also have ships travel through the galaxy, filter-feeding in elements like interstellar whales, and then come back to supply us with more fun stuff.

We would pay all of our workers three times minimum wage, and fund every aspect of their lives–because we’re multi-quadrillionaires. Yay. And of course we’d have made Bill Gates feel ashamed.

Then we’d create clones for ourselves, genetically engineer them to be awesome and capable, and then do a brain transplant, killing our previous bodies. Then we’d learn all the languages in the world and do marathons in order to prevent our feeble brains from getting a degenerative disease, while our bodies remain healthy. Yay! We’ve saved the world, drained our resources, and bettered humanity!

I made this up with an acquaintance this morning while waiting in study hall. I was supposed to be studying for my mathematics exam, but then we got around to talking about video games , then OCD, how to properly dispose of a human body, and finally we constructed a convoluted plan to somehow take over the Earth, even though we’re just a couple of teenagers. We also discussed the NSA and the CIA, and suggested that they might have heard our plan and decided to conquer the Earth in that specific manner. This is what happens when you either procrastinate or talk to someone you barely know in study hall. I hope no one actually thinks that this is a good idea.


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